Noticeable Distance

Hello!

I will start by saying that yes, I realize that I haven’t updated this thing in about 7 months. This is completely my fault, but not something I feel badly about. I have a loose recollection of what has happened in the second half of 2009 written down elsewhere. I don’t think that those things need to be posted anywhere that anyone can happen upon them, not because they were all sappy, sad, or ridiculous, but because it was a time of self-recognition and acceptance and those aren’t things you want to put out to the world, neither are some of the things we do to reach those points.

I could go on a big spill about how things have changed and what’s going on, but I don’t think it’s important. Things have changed other things are going on.

Now, onto the year of Nate. I’m kind of in love with my life right now. I’m not going to be ridiculous and say that things are perfect, because they never are, but I won’t be a pessimist and say they aren’t great either - because they are. This is my year, I’m sure of it, I can feel it, and I’m taking the responsibility to make sure that it happens. I’m set to graduate at the end of the year, I’ve got a plan for a novel, a website, I’m in the process of trying to get onto the arts paper at FSU, and the book I’m published in comes out the 5th. Oh, and I’m in a peer tutoring class for the writing center. Hello experience, how are you today? That, however, is just the school front.

On other fronts, I’ve never been happier being single and I’ve never been hit on more in my life. It’s nice, on both counts. Also, people are coming out of the woodwork, people that I haven’t talked to in quite some time. However, I feel no need whatsoever to depend on any of them or jump into a relationship, which is a whole new feeling for me. Liberating.

My friends and family and I are doing incredibly well and it’s great. I forgot how wonderful the holidays can be without a significant other to worry about. Being your own number one priority - that’s where it’s at.

Either way, I don’t believe in resolutions, but I’ve decided that it would serve me well to write myself a love letter every so often. I think it’s a great thing for people to do. No one else has to read it, but then you have to sit and think about what you love about yourself, it makes self-hatred hard.

So - welcome to my year. I hope you’re feeling as good about it as I am.

-N

Tomorrow is my birthday, which is cool, minus that i’ll be officially in my mid-twenties, which is still a little strange to me. 

Let’s see, I moved into my parents house a few days ago, I’ll be here until the magical date of June 20th - the day I move in with one of my bests and his wife-to-be, which I am looking forward to. Fortunately, things are going to be busy around here, for instance, a few days after my birthday is my mothers birthday, which I need to go buy a gift for (massages anyone?), then June 4th my sister is out of school, the 5th my grandmother comes to town, she leaves the 8th or 9th, we leave the 9th to go to Kentucky, come back the 14th - other grandmother and grandfather in tow, then only six days til my move, and fathers day is on the 21st, then it’s only a lovely month until RACHEL COMES TO TOWN! YAY! 

So, I got a new car for my birthday, it isn’t new, but it’s new to me and I’m stoaked, because it’s very pretty. I also got a very pretty dress =) with jewelry to match of course. I am quite pleased. Tomorrow we’re going to dinner, my place of choice and I’m thinking hibachi. 

Let’s see…28 days til the move!

OH! AND! Rachel and I have decided to make it a point to see one another on our birthdays, which is fantastic because we haven’t seen one another on our birthdays in about five years, which is ridiculous. I’ve already looked up tickets to Philly for her birthday and they are not even expensive so I’m all over it. 

Lastly, I devoured the book Wake by Lisa McMann (link: http://www.amazon.com/Wake-Lisa-McMann/dp/1416974474/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1243129704&sr=8-1) and I’m on a mission to find the sequel which is Fade. It’s totally up my alley, it’s about a girl who is dragged into any dreams people around her are having. 

I hope everyone else is well =)

Lots of Love,

N

Oooh, fun lyrics - “And if I weren’t so young, or stupid, or restless, I might be able to just soon forget this. Just forget this. Please just forget me, when I’m out all alone on the east coast.” - If I only had the Heart, A Cursive memory

I’m a little amazed it’s already May. 

I’m currently living in limbo, which is making me incredibly uneasy and sad, of course. A break up after five years is a lot to take in. It’s been a couple of months since the break-up, but I’m actually getting out of the house next week, as in, I’ll move the last bit of my stuff to my parents and leave my key on the dining room table. I’ve known a couple of people, my two best friends no less, who have gone through it. One of which knew her relationship was completely over, the other not so much. I think it’s the unknown that’s the worst. Loving someone and both of you not opposing to getting back together, but knwoing you’re going to be apart for a while and knowing you’re supposed to date other people during it. Oy.

Of course then there is that insufferable urge to tell yourself you’ll never find anyone who loves you, you’ll never find anyone to date who’s worth a damn, you’ll end up bitter, and alone at 45. Of course you fight that urge with logic, but it doesn’t always work at first. Of course I say that because I’ve brought myself to tears the last two nights, emotion is a bitch.

On the plus side, I’m on a job hunt and an apartment hunt, both of which entertain me. Luckily, I will be living with my parents in about a week, then whenever we decide on a place and a move in date, I’ll be moving in with one of my besties (I only used that word to make him cringe) and his woman, now while some wouldn’t consider this ideal, I think it’ll be pretty cool. Plus, we’ll all be able to save money and I won’t be able to get all depressed and shit, because my mom nor my friends will let me and I’ll be living with one or the other at any given point. Distraction - it’s key.

I can’t really explain how I feel about the last year of my life, I’m almost 24 and I always thought 23 would be one of my best years, but I’ve had surgery, caught pneumonia, got in a major car accident, had to quit my job, and hit the end of a 5 year relationship…not exactly what I had in mind, but I try to keep a good outlook on it. Surgery was needed, pneumonia is a fact of life, the car accident sucked, but it’s the reason I quit my job, which I wouldn’t have quit otherwise and I was becoming increasingly unhappy, and the end of my relationship is hopefully just a separation to re-evaluate so we can come back together stronger than ever, or I’ll meet someone else who will make me happier at some point. Still, it’s hard to swallow when you’re thisclose to moving back in with your parents, which won’t be bad, but still. 

I can’t explain the sadness that comes with packing up half of a home, in a way the person that stays has it harder, they’re left with all the shit, but on the other hand, at least they didn’t have to look at the other person while they packed their things, sorting out this and that, boxing up memories. It’s rough man, I tell ya what.

I think it all just goes to show that you never know what’s coming. Oh well, roll with the punches and keep going, nothing stops because your life is full of shit or in limbo. 

At least I get to keep my dog and while I live with my parents I will be taken care of and completely free to layout like a bum. Things could always be so much worse.

“Express yourself completely. Then keep quiet. Be like the forces of nature; When it blows, there is only wind; When it rains, there is only rain; When the clouds pass, the sun shines through.” -Tao te Ching

Til Christmas. Can you believe that? I can’t. 

Either way, on the plus side, I’m looking forward to it again! Yay! 

We’re doing Christmas presents with Tiffany’s mom on Christmas Eve, then I’ll be with Lisa, Kel, and Will. On Christmas day, Donna is making baked spaghetti and we’ll be there all day with the whole fam. The only sad thing is that Tiffany’s car is having issues, so she can’t make any long trips, so she won’t be able to do Christmas with my family and me in the dub on the 28th, but for that to be the only bad thing this year, I’ll take it.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas with Jim Carrey was on twice tonight, I caught it the second time. My who name (I looked it up when the movie first came out, you can still do it at http://www.grinched.com/ in city hall) is Nurse Natasha Ripple-blue-Who. 

Tomorrow is Cookie & Cocoa day! I also need to finish wrapping, buy the one last gift I need, and take care of putting up some stuff for home safety, since my neighbor is giving me the hee-bee-jee-bees. 

Then the Yule Celebration is Saturday! YAY!!

Such a useless post and rather perky. Oh well!

Love,
N

This is going to be a rant…

In the past couple of days I have completely lost the ’spirit’ of the season. I am ridiculously annoyed.

I have been short tempered and totally not in the mood for anyone’s shit and generally, I’m a bit more patient than this. 

I’m not even looking forward to Christmas, I couldn’t care less. Woohoo.

I’m still glad Rachel and Zander are coming down, but I doubt Moose will. I am jealous she’s probably going to spend New Years in NYC though.

Saturday we’re celebrating Yule and I’m not ready yet. I’m excited for the time with WIll and Lisa though.

I think my irritation stems from a few things. 
1 - I have been in this house too long. I’ve reached my limit.
2 - I keep having fucked up dreams. Such as the one where Will got mad at me over a kid that doesn’t exist.
3 - I fucking hate financial aide. I also hate that I try to explain to my mother where it’s at and she doesn’t pay enough attention, so she makes me repeat things that piss me off. I hate explaining it to people that either think they know way too much about it or don’t have a clue. Luckily, I have a few in the middle.
Note: Making me talk more than I need to about something that is irritating me will instantly piss me off.

I am just so displeased. I want to dump my cocoa out on the ground outside, even though I made four bags of it today, I got pissed off when I started making it and now I just want to get rid of it. I also want to set my soap balls on fire, they’re ugly. I might be less harsh on them, but I was told they’re ugly in an indirect way, then the person tried to back track. Don’t insult something I did, then insult my intelligence by trying to lie in order to get out of it. 

I am completely ready for Christmas to be over. I could set all the decorated trees on my block on fire tonight and not care. seriously, that’s where it’s at for me.

We all need to be glad I don’t act on my violent impulses.

-N

So, we are t-minus 16 days until the lovely day when I will be reunited with my bests. I’m super excited. 

This will be the second year that I have not spent Christmas with my family. Now, I swore the first time that I’d never do it again, but things change. My parents are going to KY for a week and not coming back until the day before my best leaves back to philly. I can’t go up there for a week, I mean I could, but it’s not very logical and I haven’t seen my best friend since January. An entire year is too long and i’m not trying to add to the amount of time. Plus, being in KY for a week would be incredibly stressful and I would like to be as de-stressed as possible for now. 

I’m not too worried about staying here for Christmas, it was crap 4 years ago, but now I have two solid families here, both of which I will be spending time with. Tiffany’s mom will be doing Christmas and such, like she does every year and I plan to spend time with Will & that fam as well. It’s a lot different this year, because I’m definately not going to be alone. 

On another note, I go to the Neuro tomorrow to find out about the tests I had run last week. Let’s all hope for the best, although I admit I’m not sure what the best is, because while I’d like the tests to come back negative, that will no doubt lead to more tests and I tell you what, I’m a little tired of TMH.

Also, everyone should try to make their own dry cocoa mix, it’s YUMMY.

I’m excited to get the house completely in order before school starts. 

<3

-N

I wish I knew about this site when I worked in an office, but maybe it’s a blessing in disquise that I didn’t…

Either way, if you have time and need a laugh, go here: http://www.trueofficeconfessions.com/

Love,

-N

Nothing is miserable unless you think it is so. 
          - Boethius

I honestly thought that I would be updating more often now that I’m unemployed, but ya know what? That obviously did not happen. I will however, continue to work on it through the last month of this year. I smell a New Year’s Resolution coming on, well I won’t say resolution, i’ll say….attempt. No need to add extra pressure.

I am currently at my parents house. I came down for Thanksgiving and will be returning home tomorrow. 

I came here on Monday and got to spend a couple of days with Moose before she went to Atlanta, then back to school. I’m glad she, along with Anne and Zander will be down for Christmas, we all don’t get together too often and when we do, it’s suddenly like all is right in the world.

I went to church with my family this morning (kicking and screaming in my head) and there was a substitute preacher. Holy fucking shit. It was the most ridiculous crap I’d ever thought to hear in my life. I no longer follow my family’s chosen faith. I do not identify as a christian baptist, so going to a baptist church is very very low on my list of things I want to do, however my family enjoys it, so every once in a while, I go with them, figuring it won’t kill me.

The preacher today, Brother I’m-a-damn-moron began by getting into politics. Mark that down as reason number 1,976 I hate that my parents live in the smallest town known to man (at least I wasn’t raised here). Only in a town this small would it be okay to make it known in a CHURCH not only who you voted for, but that you pretty much think everyone who voted for Obama is stupid. I cringed at the look I was sure my father was giving me, but refused to acknowledge. Now, being a ginormous Obama supporter, this irritated me beyond measure, however, since my patience was thoroughly excercised through the election by my father, I’ve learned to hold it together over politics, especially in a public setting. 

Moving on, after the ridiculous rant about McCain and Obama, followed my a mentioning of Hillary (and an awful comparison about going to the Holy Land and needing a pilot) he moved on, kinda. He ranted about how the end was coming, blah blah. Apparently he’s just ALWAYS KNOWN (can we please count the number of religous figures who have ‘always known’ shit that was not true) that the world was going to end in his lifetime, which he mentioned was coming to a close considering he’s about to be 70. Then he made a remark that slightly insinuated that Obama was the reason for this. Then he admitted that he thought the rapture was going to happen in 88 and I’ll be damned, 20 years later IT HAS NOT HAPPENED. I wanted to throw up, but knew that being in this small town, they probably would have performed an exorcism and I would have had to do unthinkable things.

What topped the whole thing off for me was his mention of the Jews. Now, I am not Jewish, but I respect them. This son of a bitch (I’m sorry, he must have been confused when he said son of god) had the nerve to stand before people today and say that the Jews suffered persecution for not accepting Jesus and that while God loved them, he was pissed at them for denying his son. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

However, the fact that my mother almost fell asleep and my father said *nothing* about the sermon said something very important to me - they thought it was inappropriate. Especially when I told my mother the sermon was useless and she (of course) relayed this to my father, who also said nothing. 

Aside from the insane sermon I had to sit through today, nothing else has been unbearable in the slightest.

I bought the 2008 Writing Yearbook and am happy to say that it gave me plenty of resources, many of which inspired me. I’m pretty excited and still very much in the mood to get my life exactly where I want it to be before I start school on Jan. 7th. Starting school again is a little nerve wracking. I haven’t been a full time student in right about 4 years. I’m not worried about the course load or any of that, I figure if I can work full time and earn my associates, I can do full time school again. I’m more anxious about the life-style change, but I’m also glad I’ve had four months to make the life-style change a little easier. 

Living the life of a normal 20-something college student is a little crazy for me, but I’m excited for it. I’m also excited for my next tat and piercing! I’m seriously considering a small tattoo behind my ear, one that is very easily concealed. We’ll see. 

I’ve also started a new vampire series that i’ve been devouring, but I will not mention the name of it here out of pure embarassment. I will admit some of what I read to anyone, but other things, not so much.

I will end this with two pictures. 

This one is of Ophelia, who I made at Build-a-Bear with my sister, please note her chucks.

Please excuse the bad quality, they’re from my phone and copied a couple of times.

I can’t wait to be sitting with my friends here:

Again, I apologize for the crap quality.

- N

Joe Klein wrote an article for yahoo titled “Obama’s Victory Ushers in a New America.” You can find the whole article here: article. I have pasted the last paragraph below, because I completely agree.

“Obama’s victory creates the prospect of a new “real” America. We can’t possibly know its contours yet, although I suspect the headline is that it is no longer homogeneous. It is no longer a “white” country, even though whites remain the majority. It is a place where the primacy of racial identity - and this includes the old,Jesse Jackson version of black racial identity - has been replaced by the celebration of pluralism, of cross-racial synergy. After eight years of misgovernance, it has lost some of its global swagger … but also some of its arrogance. It may no longer be as dominant, economically or diplomatically, as it once was. But it is younger, more optimistic, less cynical. It is a country that retains its ability to startle the world - and in a good way, with our freedom. It is a place, finally, where the content of our President’s character is more important than the color of his skin.”

Love,
-N

I can’t tell you the last time I have felt this proud of the country I live in.  Not because Obama is now officially our president-elect, but because of the number of people who became active in this election. The sheer number of voters that turned out is amazing. No matter who you voted for, the fact that you voted should make you feel empowered. You’ve been given a voice, but it’s always up to you to use it.

Now, onto our President-elect. It is no secret that I am a huge Obama fan and have been since the primaries. This is the first election that I have followed with any sort of consistency, not to mention the first I have been extremely passionate about. 

I’ve argued my support against many and decided to stop about two weeks ago. Arguing with someone who is set in their ways is useless, though I know many of us have tried. I hope that the die-hard McCain supporters will at the very least give President Obama a chance to earn their respect and trust. I will be the first to admit that had the election gone the other direction, I would have been disappointed, angry, and no doubt bitter. However, after the initial ‘oh this is fucking shit’ I would have calmed and given McCain a chance, because regaurdless as to if I agree with all of his beliefs, he would have been commander and chief of the nation that I live in. I know it’s easy to say that because I know it isn’t the case, however this is a serious conversation I had to have with myself before the election. 

McCain’s speech tonight was moving. Sarah Palin looked like she was fighting tears and both she and John pulled at my heart strings, beliefs and opinions aside, I realize they are still people and I could not imagine the things they have felt today. I realize it was their choice to run, but the truth is, they also wanted a better America and they thought they could bring it about. 

I have incredibly renewed faith, because of this election. I am excited to be here to see the first African-American be elected to president. History in the making, but more importantly a statement. A statement against racism, bigotry, false rumors, and the strength to be different. I’m not saying that anyone who voted McCain is any of those things, please understand that.  

I really think that President Obama and Vice President Biden will do a great job in office, especially if we keep our expectations in perspective and offer our help in any way we can. Great things can happen.

Congratulations President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden!